


I Have To Tell You Something

by donnarafiki



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming of Age, Community: hp_nextgen_fest, Depression, Family Bonding, Family Dinners, Gen, Harry Potter Next Generation, Hopeful Ending, Lily Luna Potter & Teddy Lupin Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Minor Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Minor Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley, Minor Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter, Minor Teddy Lupin/James Sirius Potter, Past Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Queer Character, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sibling Bonding, Slytherin Lily Luna Potter, supportive family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 10:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16365773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donnarafiki/pseuds/donnarafiki
Summary: Lily used to love family dinners until divorce, Quidditch contracts and one too many arguments ruined the atmosphere.Now that things were finally getting better, she's forced to bring her own problems to the table. Because even her tough-woman act isn't strong enough to hide the demons in her mind anymore.





	I Have To Tell You Something

**Author's Note:**

> This story is very close to my heart just like Lily Luna is, so I really hope I did her justice. She's making decisions I can only dream of, and I hope some of her bravery rubs off on readers, even if Lily doesn't think of herself as brave at all. My biggest, biggest thank you goes out to my wonderful betas, without whom this story would not exist. Because of them I now understand writers who call their beta a life-savers, because that's what they are. I hope this is a nice read.

Lily wiped her palms on her trousers, nervous for the upcoming family dinner for the first time in her life. Usually occasions when her entire close family gathered for dinner were fun evenings filled with laughter and games and friendly jibes, but the last time that had happened was five years ago now.

The first thing that had broken the tradition was the divorce of her parents, which made things way too awkward between her mum and dad for a while. Then James left Hogwarts a year early to join an Australian Quidditch team, and just as he signed over to the Appleby Arrows, Albus decided to go travelling around the world with his best friend Scorpius. Of course during all that time Lily had still been at Hogwarts, following the footsteps of not only her parents, but also her eleven cousins. Not an easy task, especially not considering…

But no, she wasn’t going to think about that. Telling everyone later was already hard enough, torturing herself with it now was only going to make things harder.

“Nervous for your exams, Lils?” The grinning head of her eldest brother asked as it poked around the kitchen door. “I promise you, that’s totally uncalled for. They’re so easy, I barely remember them.”

Lily flipped James off with both hands, and added a glare that made his cocky smirk retreat back into the kitchen. He had made that joke too many times now, and his triumphant _oh yeah of course I don’t remember them, I didn’t take them because I got signed!_ made Lily want to vomit. She loved her brother but he had never been able to feel when a joke got too old. Plus, his words had kind of hit a sore spot. Almost all of her cousins had passed their exams with flying colours. And when they hadn’t it was because a different amazing opportunity had presented itself before they even graduated.

She was one of the only two kids in the family still left to finish. Hugo faced an obvious challenge this year, because staying focussed on exams for hours on end was tricky with his ADHD. He already had a spot with his name on it in Luna’s apprenticeship program though. No matter the outcome of his exams he was well on his way to becoming the fourth great magizoologist in the family, after Charlie, Luna and Victoire.

Lily didn’t have a safety net like that. She only had… The one thing she promised herself not to think about until she absolutely had to. So, she got up from the couch and went upstairs to repack her school trunk. That way, if everything went to shit that evening at least she either had her emergency backpack, or her bed made up and ready to cry on. Merlin knew she might need both.

* * *

“You ready for tonight?” Teddy asked discreetly as they finished up setting the table. It was the first time Lily had been able to catch Teddy alone that day. For some reason her oldest brother was glued to him even more tightly now than usual, as far as that was possible. James was such a weirdo. “I understand if you’re not. You don’t have to-”

“Don’t talk me out of this now, Edwardus Teddus Remus Lupin.” Lily glared at him and Teddy immediately sealed his lips. “You know keeping it secret is harder and more painful than telling the truth. I have to do this.”

“I know.” Teddy bit his bottom lip before walking around the table to give her a big bear hug, his hair morphing into a timid brown. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just… Nervous for you, or something. But I’ll be supportive no matter what you do, I promise.”

Ted kissed the top of her head and then left for the kitchen again after a whispered _I am so proud of you. You know that right?_

Lily stared at Teddy’s back as he walked away.

 _Proud_.

That was not a word she heard all that often. She’d always been the kid with the least amount of trouble. The easy one, and therefore the easiest one to forget. She passed tests without that much difficulty, didn’t throw tantrums like James, didn’t clash with her father like Albus, didn’t pull pranks that got her into detention like Teddy or James or Victoire or Fred or Louis or Albus.

She did write for the Hogwarts school paper, but as most of her family didn’t go to school anymore they didn’t get her inside jokes and even her mother had called her latest opinion piece ‘too strong’. As if there was even such a thing. She lacked the energy to argue about that kind of stuff these days though. Only the tip of her quill was still sharp. But again, she had promised herself not to think about that until she really had to, so she quickly finished the plate setting and went to help her mum in the wood shed. If things went really well during dinner, she might even be able to sit in front of the fire that night. _If_ everything went well.

_If if if if if if if if if._

Lily didn’t like if’s, yet her life seemed to revolve around them now, especially tonight. The uncertainty was driving her up the walls. After checking if the coast was clear she shot a sharp stinging hex at her foot to stop her thoughts from spiraling too much. It wouldn’t do to spiral before dinner even started, and how bad could they really be when they left no permanent mark?

“Hey Lils.” Her mother greeted her with a sideways hug and kissed the top of her head as she entered their shed. Lily briefly melted into the gesture, feeling her mind calm down in the arms of her mother. The mument was over too soon though, and Lily wasn’t going to ask for more. Her family wrestled or tickled or tackled each other to the ground. They didn’t simply hug unless something really bad had happened, and Lily didn’t want her mother to suspect anything lest she start digging. “Can you carry the kindling into the living room? I’ll have your father grab the logs later. Your old man needs something to do to feel useful.”

Ginny’s eyes twinkled and she clearly expected a laugh from her daughter. All Lily could manage was a weak smile though, as she thought _why can you see what he needs, but not what I need?_ But that wasn’t fair of her. Her dad was open about how he didn’t always feel like he was useful anymore after quitting the Aurors, while Lily always tried to hide everything. Or at least, everything that could make other people feel bad or make situations worse. That was what happened after growing up with parents and siblings who argued more than they should, no matter if the arguments came from a place of love or not. She tried as hard as she could to keep the peace, even if it meant she had to cry on her own.

“He mostly needs something in his hands so he and Draco can’t smooch all the time,” Lily replied after taking a deep breath to reset herself. Then she smiled properly and the crease of worry disappeared between her mum’s brow. “Talking about smooching by the way mum, is Luna coming tonight?”

“She is, actually.” Her mother laughed, almost _giggled_ at the mention of her girlfriend. “But only after desert. Apparently Portkeys don’t have a tight schedule in Kyrgyzstan or wherever the hell Luna is now.”

“Oh, alright.” Lily smiled, thinking that Luna’s late arrival would actually be a good thing. She could use a bit of a diversion. “Cool. I’ll get this kindling inside then.”

She gestured vaguely at the basket full of kindling before picking it up and carrying it out. When she checked her watch she saw it was only half an hour until dinner time. It was both too soon, and not soon enough. She didn’t get time to ponder on it though, as Draco arrived through the Floo and she and Albus started their secret game of _how long can we keep the two lovebirds apart and how uncomfortable will that make them?_ Which wasn’t as fun as it used to be because her heart wasn’t really in it, but it was a very welcome distraction. And when her father eventually jumped over two couches and into Draco’s arms when Albus wasn’t paying attention, well… She couldn’t very well _not_ laugh, even if it was just a chuckle.

* * *

“... Completely furious with Flint, as she should be of course. I mean that guy’s fuck-ups almost cost us the game!” James gestured wildly with his fork, accidentally shooting a piece of carrot at his brother. Albus glared at him and threw it right back, only he was no professional Quidditch player which meant it hit their dad straight on the forehead. Lily was just in time to sigh deeply before her dad went off, pissed because his _staring in Draco’s eyes_ time had been interrupted.

“Albus! What the hell?” Harry plucked the carrot from his lap and held it between index finger and thumb. “Did you just throw this at me?”

“It was meant for James,” Albus replied defiantly. “And you would have caught it if you had paid a bit more attention to the conversation. You’re supposed to be the bloody adult here.”

“No arguing at the dinner table,” her mother said sharply as she threw a quick wordless stinging hex at her ex under the table. Lily knew where she got that talent from. “And no discussions either. It’s been too long since we were all together and I’m not having you two hotheads make a mess off this. You can do that in your own time.”

“Yes you hotheads, you can do that in your own time,” Teddy repeated as he morphed his face into an almost perfect copy of their grandma. James threw his head back and laughed as he clapped Teddy on the back. Her dad was still looking pissed though, but Lily suspected that the suddenly vanished hand of one Draco Malfoy would soon change that. Meanwhile Albus was muttering something about _why do I always get the blame? James threw the bloody carrot_ , as Scorpius exchanged a look with his father which clearly read _why do we even like them? They’re both disasters._

Her mother smiled at her as the tension slipped away. There had been a time when accidents like that could lead to full blown fights, and they were both all too happy that that was no longer the case. The calm atmosphere didn’t stay around for long though.

“I would like to say something, actually.” Everyone immediately shut up when they heard Lily speak, including Lily herself. She hadn’t really meant to say those words, they’d just fallen out. They were nearing dessert though, so maybe it was time. And maybe she should have said something earlier, because her full stomach was tying itself up in an awful lot of knots. “Now seems like a good time, as we are not allowed to have any, eh, discussions, I suppose.”

 _Merlin_ but this was already going so bad. She was usually a lot more articulate than this. Across the table Teddy gave her an encouraging smile though, so she took a deep breath and began to talk once again. “I, eh… Well I’m in my exam year, as I suppose you all know.” She let out a nervous chuckle, which earned her weird looks from basically everyone at the table except Teddy, Scorpius and Draco. “And, well, I, eh… I found that that takes a lot of time and effort, and that’s something I can put into it. Something that I _am_ putting into it, but, now that I have this much pressure on me because I need to perform and do a good job, I, eh, well, I find it… Difficult.”

Yes. Definitely a complete train wreck. It was official. _Please dear God if you exist then kill me now._ The voice inside her head cringed, and maybe there really was a god out there because that was exactly the thought she needed to hear. Because she’d had that thought before. Too many times before, actually. Especially in the last couple of months, and the entire reason that she was having this awkward conversation was because that thought terrified the living daylight out of her. She had been thinking, no, she _still_ sometimes seriously thought about ending her own life, and that was not a thought any teenager should ever have.

So, she took another deep breath, and took the jump.

“What I am trying to say is that I am struggling with exams and with life in general because I can’t put all my energy into it. And I know that because I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past four months.” Lily took another deep breath and stared at a dot on the wall in front of her, pretending the rest of her family didn’t exist. “She diagnosed me with a severe depression that comes with mood swings which put me at a suicide risk. The therapy sessions I’ve had helped a bit, but not enough. So at the start of January I will start taking antidepressants. I don’t know how that will affect me, I just know they will in some way. And I find this very difficult to talk about so I’m gonna-,” She was forced to take another deep breath as sudden tears nearly broke her voice. “I’m gonna go to my room right now and I need to not see anyone for a bit. I’m sorry.”

She got up and walked towards the stairs, never taking her eyes off the spot on the wall until she absolutely had to, at which point she closed her eyes and did the last bit on memory. It wasn’t too hard, she had lived in this house her entire life. And a brilliant life it had been, with so much family and cousins and brothers to hang out with, and loving parents who would go to the ends of the earth for her. A privileged life if there had ever been one, but still…

Still somehow it had come to this. Her mind still wandered off to those dark places, sometimes so far that she didn’t know a single way out. She felt guilty about it, and whiny because she honestly had no reason to be depressed. So what if her parents had yelled at each other for a bit? Albus and James had been around for a lot of that too, and they turned out fine. Why was she the one with the broken brain then? Why was she the one who couldn’t get her act together even though her life literally depended on it?

With what felt like the millionth sigh of the day, she let herself fall onto her bed and rolled into her blankets. She pressed her face in her pillow and let out three short dry sobs. After that she was quiet.

Silent.

Scared.

Scared that the only emotion she’d ever be able to feel again was this awful hollow panicky _nothing_ in her chest, now that the depression had dimmed all the happiness and bright places. Scared she was never going to be normal again. Scared that her family wouldn’t understand. Scared that they’d be angry because she hadn’t said something earlier, or because she was supposed to be the easy kid and they didn’t have time for this needless drama. _Man up. Go do something fun. Stop being such an attention seeker._

One more sob escaped her lips before she pulled her knees up and squeezed her eyes shut.

She just wanted this day to end already.

* * *

“Lils? Are you alright?” Lily hadn’t meant for it to happen, but somehow she’d dozed off after crawling under the covers. James quietly entering her room woke her up though, which was all kinds of wrong. James wasn’t supposed to be quiet, or ask considerate questions. James was supposed to barge in and be annoying and noisy and lovable in the most infuriating of ways. But he wasn’t because Lily had told him and now… Now he knew. They all knew. It wasn’t her burden to carry alone and in secret anymore. She wasn’t sure yet if that was a relief or if it just made things more difficult.

She was so lost in her own thoughts she completely forgot to respond, so James filled the silence again, this time sounding a little bit more like himself.

“No of course you’re not alright, that’s a bloody dumb question.” James shut the door behind him with a bang and dumped his entire weight on the edge of her bed, gracious as always. “But I’m here for you, okay Lils? Even when you’re not alright.”

Lily could hear the sound of James’ trainers hitting the floor before he crawled under the covers and hugged her. She leaned into the touch on instinct, even though every part of her tough-woman reputation screamed at her to push him away and tell him she could handle things alone. That was hardly true anymore now anyway, and if she blocked that feeling out hard enough the hug almost felt like old times.

Like when the three of them had outgrown their parents’ bed but the thunderstorm outside hadn’t gotten any less scary. Before Albus started clashing with their dad and she started pushing James away because she was embarrassed by his overprotective brother act. Not that they had ever stopped loving each other, but growing up and going to Hogwarts had gotten in the way of really feeling it. Especially when Albus had headed off to Hogwarts she’d felt more excluded from them than ever before. Now though, despite the shit circumstances she was in, she felt just as close to James as she had all those years ago when it had been just the three of them.

Lily smiled faintly at the memory and leaned further into her big brother, slowly allowing herself to feel safe and warm and protected in his arms as her ego slowly lowered its voice. Tonight was not a night for egos, reputations or expectations. Tonight she just needed to not fall apart, and being in the arms of her big brother was a perfect place to do that.

Just as she was about to doze off again, her brain too overwhelmed with everything to stay awake for long, James spoke up again. “You know what, that isn’t right. I’m here _especially_ when you’re not alright. I don’t care if I’m in the middle of the Quidditch world cup final about to score the winning goal, if you need me all you have to do is say the word, okay Lils?”

Lily nodded. She couldn’t even remember a time when James had deemed her more important than Quidditch, and she wasn’t quite sure what to do with this confession. In all likelihood she wouldn’t do anything with it. She never wanted to let people in on how shit she felt. That was why it had been so hard to tell her family.

She could feel James smile faintly against her forehead, his light stubble pricking against her skin. It was a weird feeling, because it reminded her that they really weren’t kids anymore even though in that mument it still felt like they were. Only the thunderstorm she was hiding from was bigger now, and it wasn’t raging behind the bedroom window but right inside Lily herself.

“Just please… Don’t do this alone. And don’t do anything stupid. That’s my job you know? Doing stupid things. Mine or Fred’s or Victoire’s. You just have to get better. And when that is too much you only have to survive. Everything else is unimportant. So bloody fucking unimportant Lils, you have no idea.” Suddenly James’ hold on her tightened as he pulled her into a near desperate hug. His words hit home quite hard, and she had to bite her bottom lip until it bled in order not to cry. “I love you Lils. And all I want to do is get inside your head and beat the crap out of all your demons but I don’t know how to do that and I don’t know how to help you. But if there’s anything you need in order to keep fighting…”

“This. Just this.” Lily whispered, and only as she spoke did she realise how true those words were. Of course James being supportive wouldn’t solve her depression, but knowing that he’d understand if she missed a game due to a bad mental health day, or knowing that she could crash at his place if the depression fucked up her exams and their parents drove her mad… It helped. It really, really did. “Just you being here.”

“I’ll always be there for you.” James properly smiled against her forehead this time, although it was a sad smile. “You’re my little sister. I’d do anything for you.”

* * *

“Hey Lils. Don’t wake up,” Albus said quickly as Lily opened a sleepy eye at the sound of movement. She hadn’t really been sleeping though. Her mind was a bit too restless for that, and James’ loud snoring didn’t exactly help either. But even if she had been asleep she wouldn’t have minded Al waking her. Not when he looked like he so clearly needed a hug, the way only Albus ever could.

“Are you joining?” Lily pushed herself away from James, who was too hot to sleep with anyway, and patted the space next to her on the bed. “I wasn’t asleep anyway. Not with mister monster truck right next to me.”

Albus chuckled, and climbed onto the bed. “He’s only gotten louder, hasn’t he? I can only imagine how Teddy lives with that. Morphs his ears into non existence or something.”

Lily lifted an eyebrow. “Since when is Teddy living with James? Who cursed him with that sorry fate?”

“Oh, well, they eh, had a sleepover last week. Teddy just said something about it.” Albus trailed off, chewing his bottom lip as he always did when he felt nervous or awkward. Lily figured that might not have been the only thing Teddy had said, but she didn’t press the issue. She wasn’t really in the mood for that kind of chat.

“Oh. That’s nice for them. How was your weekend by the way? You didn’t get a chance to say earlier.” The shift in topic felt forced and awkward, because it was, but Lily needed to get away from her mind for a bit. Thinking about her mental health all the time was only going to make things worse.

“It, eh, it was alright.” Albus shrugged. “Scorpius finally managed to persuade me to get on a broom again, but I only sat on it for like a minute before it got too cold and then he made me hot chocolate. That was nice.”

“Yeah. Scorpius is nice.” Lily nodded and shot a knowing smile at her brother which embarrassed him to no end. The entire romance and being in love thing was something Al preferred not to talk about, as it made him horribly awkward. Normally Lily liked to tease him about that, but now she was just genuinely saying how happy she was that Al had Scorpius in his life. A boyfriend like that was exactly what her brother needed. “Where did you leave him, by the way?”

“Eh, outside? In the hallway I mean.”Al started chewing his bottom lip again. “I wasn’t sure if…”

“He could come in? Of course he can.” Lily put an arm around her brother and pulled him into a hug. Her few minutes of distraction appeared to be over as everything hit her again all at once. And not just the depression this time, but their parents’ divorce and the difficult process of accepting Luna and Draco into their lives the way they were in it now. Though Luna hadn’t been there during dinner, Lily knew her mother would tell her everything as soon as she arrived. “I wanted to tell my family about… Things. That’s why I picked tonight.”

“Do you really mean that?” A soft voice filled with so much surprise it nearly hurt to hear made Lily turn her head towards the door. Sure enough, Scorpius stood there, head just poked around the slightly ajar door. His light skin blushed quick and deeply as he suddenly realised he’d spoked and given his position away. “I’m sorry! I know I shouldn’t have eavesdropped, I just wanted-”

“It’s okay,” Lily interrupted him, suddenly quite tired with this entire talking business. Her head hurt from thinking too much, and she wasn’t in the mood for explaining her feelings towards Scorpius now. “You just wanted to know how I was doing, but you didn’t feel like it was your place to ask.”

Scorpius nodded and stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him. “Is there anything you need? I could make you tea if you want. My dad has this tea blend that helps slow down your thoughts. Albus likes it.”

Lily felt Albus tense up at her side, which hurt a little. Even now that Al knew about her depression he was still ashamed to admit he had anxiety issues himself, even when it was passive admitting it like this. She already hated herself enough for being ill, and knowing her own brother found it shameful too didn’t help. Not that Al did it deliberately of course, and she knew it wasn’t exactly fair of her to think this way. Still, that was the way her mind saw things. If she could change that she wouldn’t be depressed in the first place. “Tea would be nice.”

“Alright!” Scorp replied, a tad overenthusiastically. He blushed again and quickly left the room. Before Lily got the chance to sink back into her pillows though, Teddy poked his head around the corner.

“Can I come in?” He sounded hasty and a bit anxious. Lily raised an eyebrow at him and nodded. Teddy quickly stepped into her room and shut the door. “Oh thank Merlin, just in time. I honestly cannot talk to your dad anymore.”

“What’s the matter with dad?” Lily’s stomach sank as it twisted itself into knots. She’d feared this. Feared her father wouldn’t understand. That he’d get angry for some reason or insist on awkwardly talking about everything every two days.

“Oh, well nothing to do with you. Or not directly anyway, don’t worry.” Teddy quickly explained when he saw her worried look. “It was actually quite funny to be honest. You were gone and you know your dad, he wanted to go after you like two seconds later. So I tried to persuade him not to, but when your dad didn’t listen, well, I had the brilliant idea to call out _I’m dating your son_!”

“You’re dating my _what now_?” Lily’s eyes went wide as her eyes shot from James to Teddy and back.

Teddy threw his head back and laughed. “That’s exactly what your dad said as well. And then Scorpius caught onto my idea to cause a distraction, so he threw a glass of water in Albus’ face and he was all like _what?! You cheated on me?!_ ”

“That wasn’t funny.” Albus almost pouted as he glared at Teddy. “And you could have warned me about you and James.”

“Well I hadn’t exactly been planning on telling you tonight, Al. But sorry for dropping the bomb like that.” Teddy chuckled again and Al resolutely turned his back to them. Teddy rolled his eyes at that and just continued his story. “Anyhow, then James started fake yelling at me for cheating on him with Albus and it just turned into this giant hilarious offended shouting match and-,” Suddenly Teddy stopped to think, before continuing in a much quieter voice. “And that’s why I’m only here now. And why it took James over an hour to check up on you. I didn’t plan on my distraction taking so long, I’m sorry Lils.”

“Don’t apologise. I am quite glad you stopped dad from storming in here. I really couldn’t have used him.” Lily shook her head and gestured for Teddy to join her on the bed. There wasn’t really that much room left for him, but she had the strange feeling that Teddy wouldn’t mind being squashed against James. “But let’s be real now for a sec, are you and James really dating?”

“Eh, yes. We are.” Teddy nodded a bit awkwardly as he positioned himself between her and James. The latter immediately wrapped his arms around Teddy and buried his face into his side as a confirmation of the statement. That gesture put such an endearing look on Teddy’s face that she and Albus groaned at the same time.

“Oh Merlin you’re really in love with him, aren’t you?” She dropped her face in her hands and let out a deep sigh. “Nice. Now I am both the only depressed and the only single person in this household. Because that’s what I needed in my life.”

“My dad still sees a Mind Healer once a month.” Lily looked up to see Scorpius enter with a tray full of steaming hot tea mugs. “I mean, he’s not depressed anymore but he’s still dealing with the aftermath. You could talk to him about it if you want, he’s pretty open about it.”

“Thanks, Scorp. But I think I’ll pass.” She slid down until her head hit the pillows and stared at the ceiling. “That’s not really something I want to talk about with my father’s boyfriend I think, no matter how much I like him.”

“Oh, eh well that’s also fine.” Scorpius put the tray down and began to head for the door again but Lily wasn’t having that. Being the youngest child in a family with two sometimes quite high maintenance brothers had left her feeling lonely a bit too often. She wasn’t going to let Scorpius feel that way as well, so she cleared her throat, gestured at Albus’ side of the bed and shot him a pointed look.

“That’s what I thought,” Lily muttered as Scorpius placed himself between the edge of the bed and the wall. He was a smart kid though, and soon enough an enlargement charm hit the bed and made them all a lot more comfortable. Not that the couples on either side of Lily suddenly stopped cuddling each other because of that though. Or at least, not until Teddy frowned and pushed James away so he could grab something from her nightstand.

“Lils, not that it’s any of my business, but…” He pressed on the home button of her phone and looked at the lock screen. “You have five missed calls and like a million texts for a certain _Svolaf_?” He smirked as he handed her the phone. “So, maybe not so single for long now, ey?”

“Oh Merlin no.” She groaned and covered her face with one hand as she took her phone with the other. She’d completely forgotten about the thing. “Now I’m going to be single _and_ I won’t have friends.” After a quick scroll through the texts she decided a quick message wouldn’t do and reluctantly climbed out of bed. She could simply not believe how stupid she’d been. After everything Elizabeth had done for her…

Because that was the person behind the many phone calls. The name was an inside joke of sorts. Elizabeth was shortened to Elsa by all of her friends, and after watching Frozen at two AM due to a panic attack on Lily’s side, they’d came up with Svolaf as the ship name for Sven and Olaf.

After that Lily had changed Elsa’s contact name to it because it was a reminder of good times and because she didn’t want to hear everyone’s opinion about their friendship. It was stupid and childish and cowardice too, and Lily honestly didn’t get why Elsa still hung out with her. Because compared to the two years older Elizabeth Parkinson, Lily was a lame mess and now also a forgetful idiot.

After slipping into the bathroom and muttering a quick stinging hex at her foot, she faced the music and called Elsa back.

“Lily! Oh Lily thank Merlin! Oh please tell me I’m speaking with Lily and not some emergency Healer with very bad news? Please? I honestly don’t know what got into me when I let you face your family on your own. That was such a dumb idea of me. And I ended up being such a mess I was sent home before the meetings even began so I could have easily been there but I wasn’t and then I was home, as in my mum’s home so I was in England and I could have come over but I didn’t because I didn’t know if you wanted me there or not but then you didn’t answer and I wanted to Floo to your place but there’s something wrong with our Floo so it didn’t work and mum and I are both too tipsy to Apparate so I was stuck here and I am so sorry Lily please talk to me.”

“Eh, hi.” Lily was thrown quite off kilter by the enormous rant. Elsa’s rants were famously impactful and persuasive, it was why she was such a good investigative journalist, but Lily had never heard one about herself. And she had never, ever heard Elsa this freaked out and panicked. Usually she was the most calm and collected person in the room. It was why Lily loved spending time with her so much. Just being near her seemed to calm her thoughts. Well, except for now of course. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer any of your calls or texts. I went to my room after I told them but I was so shaken I just completely forgot about calling you. I’m sorry. I know that’s no excuse.”

“Oh Lily,” Elsa said with an oddly breathless voice. “I probably shouldn’t be having this conversation after almost an entire bottle of wine but please, I don’t want to make you feel worse now. I never want that. I called because I really wanted to know if you were okay. Though, actually, what I really _want_ is to come over and hug the shit out of you, but I can’t because the frickin’ Floo won’t work so this is the next best thing.”

“Oh.” Lily leaned her back against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall and slowly sunk to the floor. Her chest was constricted by feelings she couldn’t even name. There was the emptiness, of course. The large black hole in her chest made by her depression where she so frequently fell into. But around the edges, there was now also something else. More dark thoughts, coming in the shape of voices telling her that she wasn’t good enough. But also something lighter, something strange that she always refused to name even though deep down she knew what it was. She also knew it was unrequited though, which was why she tried to push it away. What would a gorgeous and successful career-woman ever want to do with a two and a half year younger depressed idiot who couldn’t even remember to send a text?

“Are you safe Lily?” Elsa asked after a long, heavy silence. “Are you with people?”

“I am.” Her voice sounded small, weak almost, and Lily hated it. Hated needing other people for anything, but especially hated that she needed them to keep herself safe. Hated that she sometimes still snuck away from them so she could do stupid things regardless. Hated needing any kind of help.

“Who are you with?” Elsa had now also lowered her voice to the level of a whisper, but she sounded so much stronger than Lily did. Somehow she managed to both hate and love that.

“James. And Teddy.” She briefly considered telling Elsa about how Teddy and her brother were now dating, but then decided against it. She lacked the energy to have that conversation right now. “Albus and Scorpius are here too. They were alright about it. Scorp enlarged my bed.”

“And your parents?”

“Haven’t talked to them yet.” Lily sighed, rubbing slow circles over the sore spot on her foot where she’d cast her latest stinging hex. “I hope to save that for tomorrow. Get some sleep first.”

“Sounds good.” Lily could hear the smile in Elsa’s voice but the entire idea that the other woman cared about her just made her feel like crying. “I’ll come over tomorrow too, if that’s okay?”

“Of course.” Lily forced a smile upon her face, as if that would somehow prevent Elsa from noticing how shit she suddenly felt. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“We will. Goodnight Lils.”

“Goodnight Elsa.”

Lily removed the phone from her ear and put it in front of her on the floor. She stared at the screen until Elsa broke the connection, and the thing went black. A single tear rolled down her cheek for reasons she couldn’t put into words. Maybe because there was no real reason. She was just overwhelmed and emotional even though she desperately tried not to be either one of those things.

When she still hadn’t gotten back after fifteen minutes, Teddy went to check on her and found her curled up against the wall, a second tear drying on her cheek. Many more joined that one as Teddy sat down next to her and pulled her into his lap. His arms felt safe, but unlike James’ hug this one didn’t make her feel like a child scared of a bigger than average thunderstorm. This time she felt like a teenager, already broken before adulthood had really begun. And though she knew she could recover from that, she also knew healing would leave scars. It would leave her changed and different, and she would have no control over either one of those and that scared her.

“It’s alright Lily,” Teddy whispered into her hair. “You can let it out. It’s okay. It hurts, and that’s okay.”

She didn’t really remember what happened after that. Probably she’d exhausted herself and fallen asleep in Teddy’s arms, after which he carried her back to bed. The only thing she did remember was that she was safe and warm and loved and that it all didn’t help for shit to make her feel better. That black hole in her chest was always going to be part of her. She’d secretly hoped that telling her family would help her fight it, help fill the emptiness, but it hadn’t. And if so much love from friends and family didn’t help to fix it, then how was she ever going to recover?

* * *

“Hey Lily. Did you sleep well?” _Fuck_. Lily almost cursed out loud. She’d nearly made it. All the way from her room to the bathroom to the bit of hallway in front of her door she’d gone unspotted, until at the very last moment her father decided to come out of his room and stop her from quietly going back to bed. She knew she had to talk to him at some point, but…  
She hadn’t been sorted into Slytherin for nothing. Bravery wasn’t her strong suit.

“It was alright. A bit crowded though.” Now that was a lie. Her night had been awful. First there was the fact that she’d cried herself to sleep, which was never a good start of anything. Then she’d woken up in the middle of the night so twisted up in limbs and blankets it had nearly given her a panic attack. After that she’d only been able to stare at the ceiling as her mind decided diving into a deep black hole would be more useful than getting some more sleep. She was knackered. “Yours?”

“Didn’t sleep much. I talked to Draco about… About what you said during dinner. And that was a good thing because I really didn’t understand before. I think I do now though. At least a little bit.” Her dad pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, a habit Albus had clearly copied from him. And just like Albus had the night before, her dad looked like he craved a hug more than oxygen.

Lily let go of some of the tension in her shoulders when she saw that she might not have anything to fear. Matters of the mind required a delicacy her father often didn’t seem to possess, but he wasn’t stupid either. And where he might have been tactless or angry the day before, now, with a whole night having passed, he’d prepped a better response.

“You know you can hug me dad.” She smiled without feeling any real joy as her dad’s eyes lit up in surprise. “I promise I won’t break.”

“Please don’t.” Suddenly Lily had her arms full of dad, thick morning robe, bunny flip flops and messy bedhead included. “Don’t break. Don’t- don’t hurt yourself. Don’t do anything stupid. You’re my little girl, Lily. And I’d do anything for you, you know that right? Anything at all. I’m always here for you. And I am so sorry if I made you feel this way. I know things haven’t always been easy with your brothers, and I know you struggled with the divorce and Draco-”

“And Draco made you happier than mum ever could, just like Luna does for mum. And I’m happy about that.” Lily pulled back so she could look her dad in the eye, and was mildly shocked when she saw her dad had tears on his face. “This isn’t your fault dad. It isn’t anyone’s fault.” _Except my own because I am too weak to deal with this on my own_. But she tried to ignore that voice in her head. “These things just happen. Chemicals don’t always work the way they should. Such is life.”

“You sound so adult about it,” her dad whispered after pulling her back into his arms for several minutes. What he really meant was left unsaid, but that didn’t make the words any less clear. _I wish you were still a child. I wish your pain came from a scraped knee and I could kiss it away. I wish you never had to grow up and face adult things like this_. “I am so proud of you.”

 _For what? Being broken?_ But she ignored that voice almost on instinct, as she always did when there were other people around. Not being alone always made that a whole lot easier. “Thanks dad.”

Her father gave her one last squeeze before letting go. “Right. So, I, eh, was just heading for the kitchen. Do you want any pancakes?”

“You sound like grandma, trying to stuff all the sad people with food.” Lily chuckled. “But no thanks dad. Bit too heavy in the early morning. I think I’m going to read a bit first.”

“That’s fine,” her dad said with a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes. “Just tell me when you fancy anything else, alright?”

“Yes dad.” Lily nodded and quickly stepped into her room before her dad could stretch the conversation out into something even more awkward. Talking about her depression wasn’t really something she wanted to do with either one of her parents. They cared too much about her.

“Hey Lils. Did you sleep well?” Lily almost groaned as James asked the exact same bloody question as her dad just did. She honestly wasn’t in the mood for this. Making small talk was too much of a drain on her already limited mental energy.

“It was alright.” She shrugged. “I ran into dad by the way. He’s making pancakes.”

“ _Pancakes_?” James shot up, accidentally waking up Teddy in the process as he had been using his chest as a pillow. “I _love_ pancakes.”

“Shut _up_ James,” Albus growled from the other side of the bed, trying to throw a pillow at him which turned out to be Scorpius’ hair. His boyfriend woke up with a yelp.

“ _Ouch_ , Albus!” Scorpius sat up and rubbed the side of his head. “What did you do that for?”

“I don’t care, losers,” James said, jumping out of bed like he was about to get a treat they only had once a year instead of nearly every day. “I’m smelling pancakes!”

“Sorry Scorp!” Albus ignored James’ departure, too busy looking shaken about causing his lover pain. “I was trying to throw a pillow at James. I didn’t realise your hair was on it!”

“That hyperactive fucker,” Teddy groaned, not even registering the squabble at the other side of the bed. He stretched and then rolled off the bed himself. Then he got up and followed his boyfriend. “Hey Jimbo, leave some pancakes for me, will you?”

“Well it was.” Scorpius pouted a bit, but immediately stopped when Albus started pressing kisses on every strand of hair he’d pulled. “But I forgive you.”

Lily squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. She loved her family, but most of them were so loud and energetic and that gave her a headache. Quietly she slipped back out of her room again and went to find her mum. She was probably having a lie-in with Luna, enjoying the return of her girlfriend after a lonely three months. But they better not be up to any raunchy shit, because she just needed a hug. A quiet hug, that was. She still didn’t fancy talking to her parents.

“Hey Lily.” Luna’s whole face lit up with a smile as she looked up from one of her travel journals. She immediately beckoned her to come lie between her and her half asleep mother in bed. “I am so happy to see you.”

“Happy to see you too, Luna.” Lily briefly melted into Luna’s hug before settling between her and her mum. “How was your trip?”

“It was good. I’ve seen lots of things. But I won’t talk about them now.” Luna put her journal away and sunk back into the pillows. Then she reached out an arm and briefly squeezed Lily’s hand. “I think you just want to lie here for a bit.”

“I do,” Lily muttered just as her mum rolled over and pulled her into a big, sleepy hug. She wasn’t sure why, but the combination of the warm bed, Luna being so understanding and her mother’s loving embrace suddenly made her choke out a sob. And then another one. And then she curled up against her mum, and full-on started to cry. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Lils. It’s okay.” Her mother was definitely not fully awake yet and this could not have been a pleasant way to wake up. Lily couldn’t stop the tears from falling though, no matter how hard she tried. “Come here. Let it out. Let it go. It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

And she did. Her mum’s strong Quidditch-toned arms pulled her close, making Lily feel warm and safe and loved. Something that did not help her to stop crying. In fact it only made it worse, but the relief that washed over her once it was all over was even greater because of it.

“You’re going to be alright,” Luna whispered and she came closer so Lily was now sandwiched between her mum and Luna. “You’re our flower girl. Winters can be hard, but you’ll find your summer.”

Lily wanted to say something to that, but somehow _thank you_ seemed inadequate so she kept quiet. Even in the silence she only noticed the quiet tears from her mum though. “Mum, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

“I am going to cry. I’m your mother, you are my child, I want to keep you safe.” The words sounded simple but as Lily looked into her mum’s eyes she realised that the statement _was_ very simple. She really was a mother, and the safety and happiness of her children was the only thing that mattered to her in the end. “I want to keep you here at home in my arms and protect you from everything else in the world. And I know that I can’t and that I have to let go and let you fight and win your own battles, but _fuck_ , I don’t like that. I _hate_ seeing you in pain.”

During the short rant tears kept falling from her mum’s eyes, and Lily had taken to wiping them away with her sleeve. She hated seeing her mum like this, knowing that she caused this hurt. “I’m sorry mum.”

“No. No you’re not sorry. You haven’t done anything to apologise for, love. _I_ am sorry for letting myself go like that.” Her mum wiped away her tears and gave Lily a fresh hug. “I am so proud of you for seeking help, and for telling us about it. And if you ever need a hug again or need to talk or if you just want a hot cup of tea or anything else, you tell me okay? I would love nothing more than to help and support you. It’s what mothers do.”

“Thanks.” Lily let out a deep breath and relaxed against her mother. It was nice, knowing how her whole family cared. More than a little bit awkward too, but mostly nice. “I’d like to hear your travel stories now, Luna. I can use the distraction.”

“Of course.” Luna squeezed her shoulder and set off to tell them all about the mating rituals of the Echos in the mountains and the restless spirits of the victims of Genghis Khan driving magical nature to a wild and unpredictable bloom. Lily listened to it all, focussing on the story for a moment instead of her own problems. And for a brief moment, it almost felt like a normal Christmas holiday.

* * *

“Good morning.”

“Morning.” Lily nodded at Draco as she exited her mum’s room, trying to slip past him. It wasn’t that she didn’t like him, it was just that Luna was her godmother and had been part of her life since forever, and she’d only known Draco for three years now. It just didn’t compare.

“I know you and I are not that close,” Draco began, and Lily had to force herself not to let out a huge sigh. She wasn’t in the mood for this. “But if you ever want to talk to someone who’s been through this before or if your father doesn’t understand something that you don’t feel like explaining, I’m here for that.”

“Eh, okay.” That was actually a surprisingly useful offer. “Thanks Draco.”

Draco simply nodded at that, and then left for the kitchen. Lily followed him, and because everyone’d had their awkward conversation with her now, breakfast almost went down as usual. By which she meant loud, chaotic and headache inducing yet also fun and carefree.

She couldn’t dive into the mess the way she usually did though. Her headspace wasn’t right. But she could sit back on the couch with some cereal and enjoy watching her family interact for a bit.

That was, until her phone buzzed. It was a calendar reminder for her therapy appointment starting in half an hour. Which meant that however much she didn’t feel like it, she was going to have to talk about how last night’s talk had gone down. She chewed her bottom lip, trying to figure out what to do next. Tell her family where she was going and just get it over with, sneaking out with an excuse and get it over with, tell her therapist today wasn’t working for her or just ignore all her responsibilities and watch RuPaul's Drag Race until the appointment time had come and gone.

In the end, the decision was made for her when Elsa texted her.

 _Hey Lils, what do you think of getting a completely seasonally inappropriate milkshake this afternoon? I could pick you up after your session, my mum doesn’t need her car today_.

Damnit. She’d forgotten the fact that Elsa had her entire therapy schedule in order to make sure Lily didn’t skip them for no good reason. And of course the sneaky Slytherin was way too good at her job.

_You just robbed me from my super responsible plan to watch Drag Race all day and ignore the rest of the world, but yeah fine. Session’s over at 11.30AM. Pick me up in front of the hospital entrance?_

_Haha good joke Lils. You know I am going to meet you by jumping in your arms in the waiting room. Otherwise what’s the point?_

“What are you smiling about?” Her father sat himself down next to her with both eyebrows raised, making him look more surprised than inquisitive. It was quite adorable how he tried and failed to mimic his boyfriend. Slightly less adorable that he couldn’t accept that he wasn’t a part of all aspects of her life. Her dad had a hard time letting go sometimes.

“Nothing of interest to you.” She turned her screen to black and put her phone away. Nerves pooled in her gut as she quickly debated what part of her plans for that day she’d reveal to her father. He might know about her depression now, but that hadn’t suddenly made talking about it easy. “I was just texting a friend-”

“About how your father is a lot more interested in your plans than in his own boyfriend.” Her dad nearly disappeared from sight as Draco flung himself into his lap. Draco briefly smiled at her before ‘accidentally’ shoving her dad in the ribs as he settled more firmly on his lap. Lily sighed with relief. She honestly didn’t need any more stress or awkward conversations today. “And she also said that you should totally make that up to me, because I am clearly the most interesting and mesmerizing thing about your entire life, no offense Lily.”

“None taken.” Lily snickered as she quickly left the couch before she could accidentally witness some of the more intimate attention Draco was clearly asking for. The theory of her dad’s love life was nice because it meant he was happy, but the practical bit was something she pretended didn’t exist. No one should ever have to see their parents that way.

“Oh Merlin why does he always have to be so dramatic,” Scorpius groaned as she walked past.

“Because that’s how he is.” _Because he survived the same thing that I am going through, and now he’ll never take happiness for granted again_. Lily smiled. Seeing Draco like that gave her hope. And just a tiny bit of courage. “I’m heading out now. I have an appointment at the hospital.” Close enough to saying _therapist_ for her. “I’ll be back sometime this afternoon.”

“If you’re coming back after three you’d better go straight to grandma’s, ‘cause we’re having tea there then,” James said between shoving two giant bites of pancake into his mouth. He ate faster than Uncle Ron these days, and he took pride in it. “I mean, unless you don’t feel like it of course. We can excuse you or stay-”

“Nah it’s fine,” Lily interrupted before James could make things weird. She really, _really_ didn’t want things to get weird. “I’ll survive. See you guys later.”

“Have fun Lils!” James yelled with a mouth full of pancake before realising that that might not have been the most appropriate thing to say. Lily didn’t mind though. Anything better than having her family tiptoe around her like she was about to break. She didn’t need that constant reminder of her own failure.

“I’m sure I’ll manage.” She replied before disappearing into the hallway with Elsa and the rest of her family on her mind. Because with a support network like that, maybe she really would manage. And if not, then she had about nine people ready to smother her with tea and blankets and love. Some of whom she didn’t even have to ask for help, because they could spot her bad days from miles away. Especially Elsa, who had already vouched to come visit her at least twice a week now that she was back in the country.

Not too bad for a broken teenager. Not too bad at all.

**Author's Note:**

> This work is part of the 2018 HP Next Gen Fest. The creator will be revealed on November 30.


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